Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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