My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
