The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
