When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
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