is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
