Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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