does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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