i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
And then he peed in my hair
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