Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
