Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
