I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
