First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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