Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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