Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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