i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Green mimosas i think yes
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
