I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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