im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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