if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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