Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
