just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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