I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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