Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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