I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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