we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
