Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
