At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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