I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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