Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
