Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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