Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
