I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
