Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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