I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
