You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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