a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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