i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
