We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
