ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
