nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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