just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
