i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
