I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
