you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
