So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
