I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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