just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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