He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
