Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
