Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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