I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
