i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
