A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
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