Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
