seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
