I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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