You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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