Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He called his prostate his "boner button".
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
