I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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