mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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