Apparently you make a good broom.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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