I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize