All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
